When I was 4 I was attacked by a German shepherd that almost killed me. 26 years later I still carry the scars physically and mentally. I was looking for the ice cream truck and to this day couldn't tell you where the dog came from. Its not something I like to talk about. You know how in that movie The Italian Job, Mos Def says that he doesn't do dogs because he had a bad experience? Yeah. I totally felt that.

When I was in college, I tried to tell a very close friend of mine about the experience. He said that maybe it was something about my scent that caused the dog to attack. Well, 2 years later my younger brother was attacked and killed by a doberman. My brother never had a fear of animals and was simply walking to work as he had always done since he got the job. A part of me always wondered if there was some latent racism instilled in the animal by its owner or if my college friend was right and my family had a scent.

To this day I still have no idea. All I can say is that I've never had a dog try to attack me since, even with all my fear of them. I've had family members who have owned several types of dogs and other animals without them ever attacking me or my immediate family. So, maybe it was some tick of the owner or maybe it was some scent I had without knowing. What I do know is I do love animals. I may not want to be around them, but I cannot stand the idea of one being mistreated.

I tell you this because the death of Steve Irwin rings more true with me than it will with any of my PETA loveing friends. They don't understand what its like to be afraid of an everyday animal that most people own. I have a friend who has a fear of frogs. She could never explain why she was so afraid of them, she just was. She once told me that she was luckier than I was because she would never come across a person walking a frog on or off a lease, whereas I would have to deal with the fear of dogs forever.

I've gotten better around dogs. I am good about staying calm. I try not to make random movements. I try to talk to them to show that I am not afraid. But, the fear stays the same way some trauma that happens to any four year old stays.

You want to know why I am sharing this. Well, its difficult. Steve Irwin died on September 4, 2006, and it fucks with me. I started watching the Crocodile Hunter years ago- sometime after college. Steve showed really scary animals. He showed the kind of animals that I would call someone to kill for me. And he would get up close and pet them.

I never got the feeling he was trying to show there was no reason to be afraid. It would be dumb to not fear a gila monster or rattlesnake or crocodile. He was afraid, but it wasn't the type of fear an animal would think was dangerous or attack worthy. It was the kind of fear you had from watching Wild Kingdom and I hope some of my audience remembers Wild Kingdom.

Steve showed me that it was OK to be afraid of an animal as long as it didn't lead to a mistreatment of said animal. I know there was that whole controversy about him feeding the croc while holding his baby. But, he only did what his father did and his father before him. If he didn't know what would happen, he would not have done it. I know that about how he operates because of how open he has been about his family and the animals.

I will miss Steve. I don't know if they should show the last bit of film footage before he died. I don't know if its something I or anyone else could handle. This isn't about how he died.

This is about a man who made me face my own fear and still love the object of said fear.

I hope that wherever he is, he is still doing all he can to save the animals- especially the ugly and dangerous ones.